How A Falafel In The Tenderloin Cured My Broken Heart After I Got Cheated On
Written by Touta Bahar
When Lahore Karahi in the Tenderloin closed in 2023, I was scared I would never get over how I got cheated on. She showed up with another guy to my grandfather’s funeral. But I wasn’t mad she cheated, and I wasn’t mad she brought him to the funeral. I was mad he was uglier than me. There I was, standing over my grandfather’s coffin while my whole family watched me get played out by an uglier man. It was humiliating.
And if a worse restaurant were to open in Lahore Karahi’s place that same week, it would have been like living that trauma all over again. Because a bad restaurant opening up in the space of your favorite restaurant is exactly the same thing as getting cheated on with someone uglier than you. And I would have no choice but to crash out badly, like burn a police station down bad. But the gods were finally good to me! I was given Ararat Kebab & Gyros, but this sadly meant no police cruisers were to be destroyed. Instead, there would be falafel. Lots of it.
When you walk in, all your worries wash away, and you think to yourself, what betrayal? Their extensive menu has everything your heart desires, from desserts like kunefe and baklava to entrees like salmon, beef kofta, and even iskender kebab, which is a lamb and beef plate topped with tomato and melted butter over toasted bread. But the star of the show, and the thing that helped me forgive a lover’s infidelity at my grandfather’s funeral, was their falafel tacos.
Falafel in America has always been too dry for me. I’ve always said falafel must be made with fava beans. But this non-fava falafel was different, this falafel wasn’t dry, wasn’t soggy–it was just under $10 and sang to me with its crispy crust and warm, moist interior. It helped me see myself for all I am worth; a Trader Joe’s 6, and a dude who deserves to meet a girl who will cheat on him with someone at least as handsome as him. The tortillas are perfectly cooked, and the falafel is served on a bed of greens topped with a spicy tzatziki sauce. Couple this with the self-serve black tea, and you’ll forget your favorite restaurant and girlfriend had ever left you.
Touta Baher is 5-time Nobel Prize winning-author and 12-time MacArthur Genius Grant recipient who lives in the Tenderloin. His Book White People Are Evil was selected as Book of the Century by Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Young Republican National Federation. Touta Baher achieved all of this despite being a satirical character created by Antony Fangary.
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